| an unexpected change... |
[Jan. 8th, 2009|02:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
This was the best New Years I've ever had. Me, Alli, Jim and Mick went to Buddakan in Philly for a late dinner, then took a cab over to Penns Landing at 11:30 and waited for the fireworks at midnight. Now, me and my husband usually do this alone, but that will be the end of that. I really loved having my daughter with me as we all huddled together while watching the fireworks. It was really special.
Since Mid-December's throw-down w. my husband at the Harvest Moon in New Brunswick, things are definately starting to shape up, to my surprise. Honesty is definately my policy this yr in 09 and so far it's opened doors. I squared off with my father as well about his self-centered excuse of a wife, that if she doesn't really care for my father to see us then she shouldn't come with him. Now, I'm actually looking forward to seeing my dad the next time he visits.
There seems to be a transformation happening in our home life. Just more pride in ourselves, our home and our little family. We all seem to be trying a little harder, and honestly that is really what I've been wanting to see. I hate it when people are floundering in a time where great things could be accomplished. But- I refused to do it alone, again, so it unfortunately took alot of drama to get my point acrossed. My hub is looking into going back to school and possibly spending a week in L.A. for a music work shop. My x and I have been more involved with helping our daughter stay on top of her assignments at school. She also made the girls chorus when she tried out. I just want to encourage her to persue her interests and not get tied up with boys. I've been preaching that for years now and always want her to put her self-development first. I tell her all the time how she is so much more advanced then I was at her age, and just so relieved that she isn't living the kind of life I did at her age, yes she's only 11. But one thing I am turning around is her perspective about being involved, that it's a two way street. She needs to involve herself as well, not that I need her to be, I'm just trying to raise her to be that way which will be helpful in the expectations of her future relationships.
Overall, I'm just trying to wake up and open my eyes and pay attention as much as possible to what's going on around me, or not...I don't wanna go back into that uncomforatable comfort zone of coasting. That's not where I was ever able to live and even now that it's an option, no thank you.
One last thing is that I did some pre-planning on the medical expenses for this year and it's just so much better. I was able to drop 275 for deductible, co-pay and RX for my husbands oral surgery today without blinking when before it would be this big ordeal of not paying other bills to have the money. It felt great to be able to provide all of that for him, stress free. Like he didn't even have to think about it. I had it all covered. The flexible spending debit card is a must have and it's not that bad being that it's balanced out by paying less taxes so it's like the money never left. This year is definately going to be different. I have so much to look forward to now! |
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| I'm really done.... |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|07:18 pm] |
Everything is almost exactly the same as the last time I wrote, accept I finally reconciled myself to prepare to leave. I've lost 25 lbs, got my license back...just waiting to get a car before I can make any serious moves. I don't know if I can last doing this one more year but I may have no choice, and that sucks.
I know he will never change. I know he will never love me the way I want to be loved. He's trying but honestly it's not even close. I mean, he takes pics w. celebs and is all smiles, like happier then on our wedding day. WTF did I do this for? It's been a collosal waste of time and I want out. It's finally come to blows and he's deserved it. If talking don't do the trick there is only two things left to do. Hit him and leave.
I know I will come back and read this in a few months, and nothing will have changed. Hopefull I atleast find someone to brighten my day and restore this thing I had...called hope. |
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| Still feel the same |
[May. 29th, 2008|09:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the cage | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
Its been along time now and my feelings about leaving still haven't changed. I've learned to co-exist with them better I think...well not really. I've really lost me. I've lost my spark. Better stability has been established over the past year, but i've also lost alot. Nothing I can't get back, but nothing I care to get back while i'm still under the same roof with him. Physically i'm in a much better place, or getting there. I've plateaued at one weight which is good cos that means I am on my way back down. I wish I could get motivated to get healthy for me, but for some reason that just isn't happening, and like Ken said, its just an excuse. I look forward to falling in love again with someone who gives me the kind of attention (consistently) that inspires me to stay healthy. I just don't think that sexualizing myself is cool anymore, that is my man's job and if he doesn't do it then its not gonna happen and that's the end of it.
To spite it all, I try to stay in the best mood possible, however this doesn't mean I'm happy. However, this doesn't mean I want to be 'hanging out' being fat. So if I haven't been around, don't take it personally but hanging out when your not comfortable in your own skin is just not fun to me. I'll go bowling, I'll go and do stuff that diverts my attention from being fat but when I sit around I really feel it. I really don't think anyone has stepped outside of themselves long enough to realize my deal, so here you have it. And life goes on...It seems like everything I valued about our relationship has been a facade or has just gone pear shaped. So now I'm broke and unfullfilled emotionally. |
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| Same shit different day |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|12:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Now instead of being upset over not connecting w. my husband the way I want, I now don't want it. I wish I did but I don't. I'm tired of feeling so discontent. I definately want out. I don't know how to unmesh our lives. It's terrible.
Good news is that I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin. I've been taking chitosan and metaformin that seems to be helping.
I am tired of being so dependant but there is really nothing I can realistically do about it. I wonder what he would say if he knew how I really felt.
I know he does have some clue because I complain all the time about not feeling it, so, I guess as long as I don't come out and be blunt he is going to pretend its all fine.
Well, I just can't live like this anymore but he IS all that I've got. |
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| Life is the shits |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|09:47 am] |
Did you ever feel like not a thing is going right in your life? I lost my license, my car, my freedom, my image and self-worth, the respect of my job...I want to leave my husband and my kid is so fucking lazy. Everyone and everything is really getting to me. Family life is such a downer. I'm finding that my husband is too tired to get off his ass after work and too depressed when he's out of work to get off his ass and follow through any effort that I make. So I'm hiring a maid but that doesn't mean that I dont pitty my husband considering I used to single handedly take care of a 4 br house.
Its just funny to go back and read my journal to see how much hope and faith I had in life. Had I known the truth I should have said fuck everyone and not care about anything and do exactly what ever I wanted to do. People say like is what you make it but if that was true and with as hard as I worked I should be sitting pretty. But no good deed goes unpunished. I mean I can't even get my daughter the furniture she needs for her room. What kind of faith leads you into a loveless relationship where your too broke to be parent or to have or give anything that is needed.
I don't want to go out either. I hate the way I look in my clothing and hate they way my clothing makes me feel. Its not that I didn't try to get nice clothing, it just isn't a big enough band aid to cover how I REALLY feel.
Nothing has changed thus far and if it does it s a miracle. If not, I'm going to be very unhappy for a long time. |
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| Can't I have it all |
[Sep. 15th, 2007|12:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
Now I love my home, I love my job...but I can't say that I'm satisfied with myself image or the level of intimacy in my relationship. It seems the only time I've ever gotten that from my husband is when I threatened a break up, but then after a while its back to the same ole shit. When we got married he finally started to treat me with tenderness, but not even two weeks later it was back to the same shit. And, I'm tired of living without the kind of love I want. I mean he's a great provider, and he's enabled me to be the mother I always wanted to be...but I can't deny every day of my life since...the fire in my life has been extinguished. I don't even want to play guitar anymore and tonight he has a show...I have nothing to wear, I'm a fat slob and I really don't feel like putting on a happy face for him tonight when deep down I'm embarrassed and miserable to be out in an environment I'm supposed to feel attractive. I just don't and I'm not made to feel it either. |
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| Me, plus a husband and 50 lbs |
[Sep. 12th, 2007|09:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
I love coming back here to read old blogs...and further more appreciate how far away from all that I am now. I have a new set of issues, but not like it was before. I think because they are more physically noticeable, it's is just more of a sign that I'm atleast being more real about how I feel. Sweet or sour, here they are. So anyway, needless to say I don't look EVEN CLOSE to how I did in that pic..which is bad but better then it was meaning I'm eatin when I'm upset instead of poppin speed pills.
I feel like I don't have anybody to really talk to who could give me practical advise in how I'm feeling...and when I do try to touch on it, I don't feel like I'm getting thru. So, instead of pushing and insisting on getting what I want in my relationship, I've given up and settled into a more mundane existance. Its not what I want, but I do feel safe which is for the most part why I do settle. I guess after 30, I just didn't feel like sexualizing myself anymore. I want to be treated with passion, consistently and without that in my life, I don't feel the need to "do myself up" if they reaction will be less then what I want. The truth is I know I can do my self up and carry the passion end in this relationship...give it all and then some, but I don't what to make the mistake of keep putting it out there and not getting it back, so I don't. I meet him half way and give no more then he is willing to give to me. If he can't be bothered, then neither can I. In turn it's made me alot more relaxed about my self-image which isn't a good thing. It's so simple to do, but it seems impossible to have in my life. And don't you dare write me and tell me to work for it. I refuse. If he wants me to be sexy, he's gonna have to treat me like I am again.
Then, another side of me says hey...even if he can't show you the passion you want, you are still you and should want to look your best for you...but that only works when I'm alone or with someone who sexualizes me, otherwise its too much work and I flop. I can't cook, clean, work full time and look like a million bucks without a reason. For some reason I can't ignore his ignorance...and that's ignorant of me to say but its true. I wish it wasn't but it is. |
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| let the peaceful river flow |
[Sep. 2nd, 2006|05:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
My life went from a tale of unfortunate events to a champagne supernova, and kolidascope of good things. Not saying it was or is easy now but in order to get to this place I had to remove most of the sensory overload that clouded my thinking. It got lonely. I was sad for a time and even a little lost. I'm still a little shaken by this process but day by day things get clearer and clearer. What put me over the edge was when I was proposed to twice in the past yr. Yeah poor me right? lol. But seriously, to go thru it, thats just insane. No wonder I couldn't keep a clear head. I would flip flop between the two because I was letting my need for certain things in my life control my choices, but my needs would vary from month to month so it started a vicious circle! So, in this time I decided to suspend my own want and needs to sacrafice them for the greater good because, apparently, when I made my choice governed by my own wants and needs, it never brought anyone any good. Via this process of falling away, I learned alot about the ppl I was dealing with and the people around me, my life, how I got here, what I did wrong, the wrongs others did me. I drew the line, now I'm walkin it. Its just time to put a bow on this box and unwrap the one I have right in front of me...the present. |
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| Almost did it again!!! |
[Mar. 28th, 2006|11:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
I can't say there is all bad news here as my title suggests, but more of the feeling of my collective past experiences as been written in here. He seems to ruin anything good I have going for me, and for a short time I let him. That was a direct hit also. I don't know how I let him do this. I was with someone who was brings out the best in me, and I gave it away for someone who would still be ok to see me suffer. Bottom line was that I could not forgive him for everything he's put me thur. I know the reason why Alli is doing better this year is because he hasn't been in her picture. Well, I made a mistake and then corrected it as soon as I realized and really wasn't too worried about what ANYONE thought. I really DONT GIVE A FUUUUCCKKK about saving face. Cause at the end of the day, its my life, its my daughters life, and I have to be happy with the decisions I've made. NOBODY ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll be damned if I'm going to get stuck in the spin cycle of bad decisions just to save face...FUCK THAT!
Ok, now that I got that out, :-) I'm really happy with the direction things are going in. And thats all I've got to say. |
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| And now for a more positive things... |
[Sep. 28th, 2005|11:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Well, its almost the end of the second week of having alli. It was rough, Im not gonna lie. I feel that an inner change has taken place. One that requires a little more respect then I normally do, including from Allison and it reared its ugly head. I just failed to inform those closest too me about this change, I did but I think its a little late since I have very little patience these days for any kinda bs games from anyone. After two weeks of exploding on her once a day atleast, I explained once I realized what she needed to know. Its not all her fault though. When someone turns your acts of courage, preserverence and strength through extremely hard times into instability and weakness...to not even be given credit for where you deserve is the ultimate form of robbery. Especially when they themselves are so high maintenance and unsupportive. It seems that if I wasn't the cash cow he wanted, then no matter what I did was no good. Too bad he failed to have the introspect that his need to have a cash cow in the first place screams inadequacy on his part..yet my failure to do so..because I already have one child...was the butthole of his examination. I need to live life, go...take my risks, learn my limits, make mistakes, fail, succeed, laugh, cry, love, hate....breathe. Not stand on the sidelines of life and say...yeah...im strong...i've never been anywhere or striked out on my own...but im strooong. Full of shit that is.
Its been a long, hard road. But little by little i'm enabling myself to be where I need to be. There is so much I've had to work through on a regular basis, seasonal depression, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, ADD, 2 herniated discs. I was not well. Some of the meds fuckd with me, causing oodles of setbacks. It took lots of adjustments and awareness to get myself to this place. I don't think anyone really realizes that. I've done a ton of research and almost have it down to a science. Now, Im soo soo close to conquering those things that held me back that I can almost touch it. So, all the negative feed back was a slap in the face. Now, the hard part will be cleaning up the damage its done in my life. I have the spirit. I can do it. Now, I just need to hit the target everytime I shoot. The trip between cause and effect is much shorter. Alot can still go wrong...very wrong but I can start building against that if I can, atleast. Knowing I have that extra every week now I'll be able to do so much more and I do know, that no matter what happens I will feel better not having someone around who feels the need to first bring out the worst in everything then throw it in your face. Good thing I never moved in with him. I think having a high maintenance man around and daughter would have driven me to drink heavily!!! I would have ended up very unhappy. Even so Im still a bit beside myself, for shaming the whole damn thing. What a waste....I do find myself laughing alot more and thats a very good sign:-) Allison is doing great in school, no more of the negative behaviors that was a problem last yr. She has a great home sitter for afterschool care. Her dad got his own place now. She's a very happy kid right now and I'm relieved that nothing has held her down as shitty as things got and have been. Im ready for more positive things in my life now. I just had to make room;-) |
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| Apple pickin on the funny farm |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|11:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
Well I volunteered to take my girl for the next two weeks/weekends while her dad finishes setting up his place, and for the Dover races. It'll be nice, I need that too right now.
So this past weekend I finally took my folks upstate. I was invited by my x's ma, but she didn't say he was coming until I was already on my way with everyone. Still, it wasn't that big of a deal. He coulda took it like a man...but this is my x we're talking about so it wasn't a surprised that he coward out of going period. I understood, I really did. Even the weekend before I did. I just wasn't happy about it. I was just sick of him putting a wedge in between everyone. Sometimes I wonder who he thinks he is demanding that life revolves around him now. That and there was so much that was not right between us anymore, and it just kept getting worse. I tried my damndest to see all the BS thru which is noble, but it got so thick that I often wondered how we were ever gonna get back to having a relationship we could be proud to be in again. Thats one thing I really miss. Is that feeling of nobility we had in that first year. Its gonna take alot of internal work and conscious efforts to get it back, but I know its still in there waiting for me. Getting back to that will take putting integrity and self-respect a little higher on the totem pole, but sometimes I feel you have to give some of that up to make it work, but not bend until you break. I used to think I was so capable, and I could give alot without taking much of a loss. That was 100% wrong. Now its down to the wire, and every little choice I make has an almost direct impact on so many other aspects of my life, my mind and spirituality. And within the first week of being away from him, I can feel myself rebuild, but then I get cocky again thinking this is something I can take on and will work out with the wave of my magic wand filled with new found positive energy, not realizing that very same way of thinking is what pulles me back down when the wind in my sail gets blocked by an oak tree. |
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| dooped again |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|01:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | relieved | ] |
Yesterday was just horrible. The constant put downs and sarcasm. I told him to his face, throwing things in my face isn't enough to make me forget that he is the biggest piece of shit or that he's as compassionate as a boulder. Yet I loved him anyway. Truth be told, I am the best thing that ever tried to happened to him. I don't think that cause Im better, but I do know Im a better person when Im not around him. I hocked a loogie in his face and off I went. You can't fly with one wing although I felt empowered enough to for a short time to try. |
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| weird space... |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|04:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
Its been over a year now, and its pretty much the same story on repeat so i wont even explain. I've been home and alone alot which is just the way I want it right now. To do what I have to get done without the pressure of any other obligations or expectations of anyone else. Im in a very weird space right now though. I can't even explain how I feel about anything right now. I don't think anything has hit home yet. The breakup, a new chance to have a better life with someone. Sometimes Im really sad, sometimes Im not. But I can't say I've gotten as excited as I should be about having this new opportunity. I don't think I wanted it 100%, but its what I think needed to be done...even if my heart isn't in that decision yet. The guilt of staying in a relationship for my own selfish reasons although allisons needs went unmet because of it was getting to be too much. I began to hate myself and I should. Im still not over that. There is a mile long list of other reason I should have left that my love for him proceeded, but here I am and I guess its gonna take some time to feel the joy of being me again. |
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| my my |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|06:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
Well where should I begin. My first day on the new yob....i get pulled over on my way to crazy eddies. It got towed and I lost my car for a week. Meanwhile, my sup helped me, sparky helped, bf helped...alot of ppl helped get insurance, reg, renew my license and get my car back. Props to ya'll!!!!
I also had child care issues to deal with while i was at work. So after it is all said and done, I get coverage for alli afterschool, and i get my car back....my work decided to let me go because i left early to get my registration done, which didn't happen til monday morning anyway. Gurrr. I was so upset i literally cried...in my undies and my hair still wet. I went to bed early that night and had a yardsale the next day. I only got like 25 bucks but it was fun. I coulda sold someone the brooklyn bridge. I didn't realize what a salesman i am. I still got alot of stuff left over. It was fun though. Me and Quiss attempted to hit some balls accept I can't pitch to save my life. It was a really nice day. Perfect weather too. I was out there in shorts.
So tomorrow I start a new temp job, just something to hold me over until I find something decent.
Round 2 begins next week. Court...getting my car to pass inspection or to get a sticker via black market. Im faced with a possible loss of license. Lots of fines...lots of fun:-((( |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2005|11:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
Man its been a while since I updated here. I've been chillin on myspace mostly so this journal is now like a neglected step-child...but i don't post things there...that i do here.
So, I managed to get myself a full-time job again. The money is ok, but i've done better. Im hoping this one will be a better fit for me, the money will come later I hope. Makes no matter since I have a part-time job to pick up the slack.
Im really worried about where im going to take alli for afterschool since i can't send her back to a daycare center with the younger kids. They really have less and less options for the kids as they get older. The younger ones are really catered to....but what are working parents supposed to do with older kids that they don't want in the streets or alone afterschool. Its bullshit to have no organized options for these kids when they need our guidance the most.
The new mix of lower does of meds have been working real good....only until i run out from lending them, lol. Won't be making that mistake anymore.
This past week was crazy even so. I finished moving out of my old place with alli and her friend in tow...im completely exhausted. THEN...her other friend joined us on friday. It was hell for all 3 of them. None of them wanted to be the thrid wheel ya know. I was just a rough day for us all. It really wasn't right.
I worked today. I can't stand workin on saturdays. Its always better on sunday..when i have a day to rest. Well Im not going to fret to much about staying organized. I will just take care of one day at a time so i can keep my main focus on getting my own place again. Anything else is just a waste of time.
But when I am relaxing with alli..i have enjoyed movies alot more. The Notebook was excellent. I saw alot of my past in that movie...and the possibility of ADD manifesting itself into a bigger memory loss...and how i might deal with that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2005|10:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
Its been a long weekend and I got to sleep in a bit. Last night me and alli went to a pizza place with her friend and her parents from down the street. Then her friend came over for a bit and they were really good. I didn't do much but relax after we got back, I watched some TV with mom. I was out cold by 11 I think... Oh yes, and that morning we had court and it wasn't that bad. My sis was actin like a wet bird in the sand, lol. She found a smaller apartment, so Im happy for her. She was worried that she had to live in a room.
Its working out to be the best thing for everyone right now.
So I feel a lil better after talking w. my x. It doesn't mess with my emotions as much, which is going to make it easier for me to work on myself right now. After that, then I can start considering a relationship. |
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| Happy St. Patricks day to ya lushes out there |
[Mar. 17th, 2005|11:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
Yesterday I took Alli and her friend to chuck e cheese after they finished their homework. By the time I got her home and alli to her dads i was beat. I chilled and yapped on the phone with peeps. This one guy is in TX now, I haven't talked to in 10yrs. I remember when i was with my steve r., he was like...lisa, you need a real man. Stop dating these boys. Your never gonna be happy with them. LOL. I always thought he was just saying that so I'd go out with him, but there's some truth to that. It kills me cause he was just in Poughkeepsie to see Pro-Pain. I had wanted to go to that show sooo bad. That would have been so awesome to see him there. Well I told him about the whole deal. We were supposed to get a room that night, but i didn't have the cash although he gave me half...you know what he said. That's so lame...he should have taken you anyway! You should break up with that guy. Well, that already happened so next time he comes up from TX, we're goin to a damn Pro-Pain show.
Its starting to happen at night. From about 8pm til i go to bed, being away from my x is starting to bother me. Talking to other ppl helps but it just makes me wonder why this still gets to me after what he's done. Do i actually think he's ever gonna be compassionate or dedicated??? A part of me, the stupid part...must still think so. |
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| earth below us drifting, falling |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|09:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  productive | ] |
It was nice to get away for the night. A change of scenery always does me good. Last night before I left, xbf called and I just stared at the caller ID. I didn't know who was callin from there, but again, Im just not ready. I'd like to get over it first ya know. Its taking along time as it is, and im trying not to let it interfere.
I applyed for a bunch of jobs today. Im going to see if I can work til 4 atleast. This way I can still take alli places afterschool. I found a babysitter in town, im gonna check her out. This way she can go there, do homework, have snack, relax and be ready to go by the time i get there. Hopefully that works out. I think its a good compromise to earn a living and fullfill alli's needs if I plan to be on my own anytime soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|08:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
Well, I've worked my butt off for the past few wks. I think its definately time to get out there and have some fun tonight:-) There are tons of shows going on this weekend. But I do have alli, so maybe after she's in bed? Jack has been relentless in helping me get things settled here..i might even let him do a shot off my butt cheek:-P
I went to fill out a new blog at myspace.com under barstoolphd and just writing my interests was a new experience. I can't belive how much of myself I lost through all this. Im not sure how or where or who it happened because of but I look forward to my journey back to being a normal human being again.
Well I've stayed home enough. Its time to go out and live again. |
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| dont even... |
[Mar. 14th, 2005|11:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
When I came home I heard that the underwear thief called...im not even ready to talk to her brother, let alone her or anyone in that family making any kind of demands of me after the way he treated me the day i told him i was done....I don't know if I will ever be able to talk to him again...
Hey, I ain't never coming home
Hey, I'll just wander my own road
Hey, I can't meet you here tomorrow
Say goodbye don't follow
Misery so hollow
Hey you, you're livin' life full throttle
Hey you, pass me down that bottle, yeah
Hey you, you can't shake me round now
I get so lost and don't know how, yeah
And it hurts to care, I'm going now |
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